I hate it when people don't take themselves seriously

A couple of days ago, I heard that tired old cliche once again, "I take life seriously, I just don't take myself seriously."

Can anyone explain to me what the hell that's supposed to mean? If you don't take yourself seriously, who is?

Do you not take your health seriously? How about your family, your friendships, your relationships? Are you serious about your work? All of that and much more is you.

Life goes by rapidly. At the end, I doubt too many people would say "I wish I had taken those things less seriously."

My goal is for these blogs to be about communication. That includes the way we talk to ourselves. Little is gained and much is lost by diminishing ourselves. My life is important to me as I hope yours is to you.

When the Famous are Fallible

I was listening to an interview with Heather Mills, the ex-wife of Paul McCartney. She was being questioned by Richard Greene on his Air America radio show. Mills made the claim that being on a vegan diet could absolutely reverse type one diabetes in two weeks. She offered no proof, no studies, no nothing to back up such an assertion. Greene did note that she is not a doctor. She could not dispute that but said that "she studdied a lot" what ever that means. Studied with whom? Studied what?

Because they are famous, some how or another celebrities can say anything without challenge. In fact, that is the premise of Green's radio program. It's called Hollywood Clout. He brings on a variety of entertainers to pontificate on their beliefs, be they political, dietary, medical, or whatever.

Why do we think that their opinion about the Obama health care proposal is any more important or relevant than the person that cleans their house?

I've always believed that in our country, we worship at the alter of fame (or infamy), looks, money or power. Some how intelligence, character or education doesn't quite measure up.

Comfort is the Key

A close friend of mine is Paul Mc Cartney's photographer. Bill and Paul have travelled the world together.

I don't know Paul, but as a former White House correspondent, I do know what its like to be around famous and powerful people.

The stars of the world need to be surrounded by people who they trust. It's not only that their aides will hold their secrets, but that they also have to feel comfortable with those who serve them.

My friend Bill understands Paul's body langauge. He knows when it's okay to take a candid photo of him and when to back off. He can read his moods. Paul knows this and keeps re-hiring Bill for every one of his tours because Bill is to steal a lyric from an old Beatle's song like "an old brown shoe." He's comfortable with Bill.

Now, don't get me wrong, Bill is a world class photographer. See for yourself www.billbernstein.com There are other outstanding photograhers. But Paul does not know them and they don't know him. He doesn't feel comfortable with them.

Comfort is at least as important as competence.

When You Get the Customer, You Get the Business

In selling anything--a product, a service, a candidate or an idea--you need to speak to how people see themselves. What are their dreams, their goals, their aspirations? What do they secretly want in life? What are their frustrations?

So, how do you find out what people really want in life? Here's an example. Ask them what they do for a living. I then ask them, putting all practical considerations aside, what would you really like to do? More often than not (in fact way more often), it's something distinctly different from the way they currently earn a living. Invariably, the dream job is something that is doable; hardly out of the realm of possibility. Few people have ever said that their real fantasy occupation is to the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys or co-star in a movie with Brad Pitt.

My curiosity asks, what's stopping them? The answer is a window into their dreams, aspirations and frustrations.

People and companies that speak to the frustrations of people in an empathetic way usually wind up getting the business.

People want to be heard and understood. Those who get the customer, get the business.

That does not mean being phony or disingenuous. It means understanding life from their perspective.

Asking the Right Questions can lead to the Right Solution

Many years ago, I hosted a television talk show. My guest was the then nation's drug czar under Ronald Reagan, William Bennett.

I asked him why Americans have such an insatiable appetite for drugs. He seemed a bit stunned by the question and allowed that he really didn't know.

Until you can answer that "why" question, the solution will remain elusive.

What's going on in the lives of American drug abusers? Are they frustrated, angry, disillusioned, in pain? Why do some alienated Americans turn to drugs, while others don't?

Bennett and his successors needed to have a deep understanding of these people. The tactics and strategies of ending drug abuse depends on having a keen awareness on what motivates those who take illegal narcotics.

Okay, let's stipulate that you are probably not in the business of stopping people from taking illicit drugs or convincing them not to be junkies.

But the principal of knowing how your customer or client thinks and feels is the same.

No matter what you are selling, an idea or a product, you need to speak to how your customers see themselves. What are their goals, their dreams, their aspirations? What do they secretly want in life? What are their frustrations? What are your customers telling you about your product?

Those who connect to their customers in an empathetic and intuitive way more often than not wind up getting the business.

What I learned from my father about empathy

I sit here writing this on the day before Father's Day.

My dad is going to be 91 this fall and I'm grateful for every day that I have with him.

The older I get, the smarter and wiser my father seems to me--and I've always thought he was damn smart to begin with.

My father is a psychoanalyst and he's still seeing patients. He tells me that he's going to keep on working until he needs more help than they do. I'm sure the people that come to see him hope that doesn't happen for some time.

He told me something once about his practice that has really stayed with me. He said that he can identify with all of the emotions, issues and problems that his clients have brought to his office--except one. He can't understand why anyone could be bored. Dad is a voracious reader and learner so having nothing to do is something he just can't relate to.

His ability to connect with his patients is one of the things that make him a terrific therapist. That power of empathy is something we all need to develop, no matter what line of work we are in.

In my own career, as a communications consultant, I'm always telling my clients that whatever message they are sending, they need to keep the recipient in mind. If you understand how your customers, clients and employees think and feel, you will dramatically increase your chances of being successful

This applies to other parts of one's life. Michael Eisner, the former chairman of Disney said that people have it wrong when they say that your ability to say your sorry is they key to a successful relationship. Rather, he says, your understanding of where your spouse or partner is coming from is really the gold in a valued personal connection.

So Dad, thanks for your wisdom, your kindness, your love and most importantly for being there for me.

Blaming the messenger

Let me say up front, I am no fan of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck or Fox News. But to blame them for the assassination of the abortion doctor or the act of terrorism at the Holocaust Museum in Washington is misguided. That is in fact what Joan Walsh of Salon and Paul Krugman of the New York Times have done.

First of all there is zero evidence that these two heinous acts were committed because of what they may have heard on the air. The 88 year old white supremacist James von Brunn's sick views were formed long before Limbaugh, Beck, et al were born. Like wise the Klan and the Nazis certainly pre-date hate talk radio and TV.

Conversely, should the media be given credit because we are a far more tolerant society when it comes to race, gender and sexual preference? Probably not.

My belief is that media is more a reflection of what's going on in society rather than an instigator.