Each year, Americans spend billions of dollars on a parade of self help programs. The self-improvement segment of the book market alone is worth nearly $700 million annually, this according Market Data Enterprise. You could then toss in another $354 million for audio books in the category. But are we getting our monies worth? Do we really change? I mean really, really change—not just in the days and weeks following the weekend seminar, the Wayne Dyer PBS Special or a book we read. Is the change lasting? And if it isn’t, if we jump from the self help du jour to tomorrow’s you-can-be-better blue plate special, could that have a negative effect on us?
I had a conversation recently with a few guys about what has really worked that led to permanent change. One of my friends is a credit card short of a self help junkie. He goes from Sedona Method to Marianne Williamson to One Year to Change Your Life and on and on. The truth is he doesn’t seem to be any different. He has the same income he endlessly complains about, still has the ongoing contentious relationship with his adult child and his girlfriend, but most importantly, he doesn’t seem to be any happier. He does not claim that his life is radically different as a result of all of the self improvement but he says he always learns something. Self knowledge is good, but change is supposed to be the outcome of all this investment.
Another one of the guys subscribes to the pain theory of change. That is we only modify our behavior when what we are doing becomes too painful. But does that mean we would only stop smoking when the doctor tells us we have a brown spot on our lung? Isn’t that a little too late?
I think there’s a lot to the pain principle of change but I believe you can imagine or envision the consequences of your behavior in or order to act differently. Presumably you’re smart enough to know that smoking can kill. The problem is, too many of us live in the land of deny and justify.
You may need to hit rock bottom, but sometimes the more mature of us can see where this is heading and put the brakes on bad behavior.
What about the continued failure of self help programs to deliver what they promise? Does that not confirm the worst suspicions that many of us have of ourselves, that our problems are incurable and that we are doomed to spend the rest of our lives unhappy or unfulfilled?
I’ve spent more than a few dollars on self-help myself. Did it help? Hard to say. I’ve also wrote a book called “What Men Won’t Tell You, but Women Need to Know.” I’m telling you this so I don’t come off as too sanctimonious. I guess I’m looking for (and perhaps giving) answers like many others.
What about you? What’s been your experience with self help? Or have you found some way-- your own or someone else’s-- to make tangible, lasting change?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Be Clear, Be Very Clear
If you can't explain what you stand for, how can you expect anyone else to listen to you, buy your product or idea or be persuaded by anything you say.
Here's an example. Politics aside, You know where the Tea Party is coming from. They think the government has become too big and wants too much of your money. Clear, understandable. You can agree or disagree, but there it is.
On the other hand, the Coffee Party vision is mushy and vague. They say they want more representative government. Fine, but what does that mean. Do they think that we have too many lawyers and not enough factory workers. in Washington? Not clear and not precise.
What about you? Can people easily understand what your business is about or what you stand for?
See if you can come up with three points that clearly explains your work or your life or what ever you're trying to communicate.
Here's an example. Politics aside, You know where the Tea Party is coming from. They think the government has become too big and wants too much of your money. Clear, understandable. You can agree or disagree, but there it is.
On the other hand, the Coffee Party vision is mushy and vague. They say they want more representative government. Fine, but what does that mean. Do they think that we have too many lawyers and not enough factory workers. in Washington? Not clear and not precise.
What about you? Can people easily understand what your business is about or what you stand for?
See if you can come up with three points that clearly explains your work or your life or what ever you're trying to communicate.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Power of Empathy
Empathy--"The ability to share in another's emotions, thoughts or feelings." -- Webster's New World DictionaryIf you want to persuade and influence people to buy into your idea, product, or service, you must first understand them. You must learn everything you can about them. Who are they? What are their dreams, aspirations and fears?
Nelson Mandela valued the power of understanding others, including his enemies. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa, in The Art of the Woo, tell how Mandela wanted to persuade his jailers to improve treatment for all of the inmates in Robbins Island prison, where they were held captive.
A major part of his strategy was to get inside the minds of his captors. To that end, he taught himself to speak and comprehend Afrikaans, and learned the history, culture and values of the Afrikaaners. In order to best communicate what he wanted, he needed to truly know where his adversaries were coming from. Or as Mandela put it: "You must understand the mind of the opposing commander...you can't understand him unless you understand his literature and his language." This empathetic comprehension of those who were guarding him and his fellow inmates led to better conditions in an otherwise oppressive jail.
In dealing with clients, you probably won't have to learn a foreign language, but you do need to understand what words, phrases and vocabulary will resonate. When I worked for Roger Ailes at CNBC, he told me that if the person on the receiving end of your communication doesn't get what you're talking about, it's your responsibility to figure out how to say it so she does.
Many years ago, I took acting lessons just for the fun of it. I learned a very valuable lesson from the teacher. When you play a part you must view the world from the perspective of your character. Your interpretation of the role depends upon it. It's no different in business. Adapting your message means knowing your audience, not just the facts about them, but their feelings and attitudes as well.
Barbara Walters tells this story about Roone Arledge, who was my boss when I was a correspondent at ABC News. If she invited him to a dinner party, he would ask for the bio of everyone who was going to be there. Maybe Arledge was socially anxious and looking for some way to make small talk, but I don't believe that was the case. I think he wanted to have a little background information of where they were coming from to communicate with them better and make it a more fruitful evening.
This empathetic connection to others goes well beyond business. Michael Eisner, the former chairman of Disney, thinks people have it all wrong when they insist that the ability to say "I'm sorry" is the most important communication skill in a marriage. He states that understanding your spouse's point of view is really the gold in a valued connection, and I concur.
Simply put, the power of empathy is putting yourself in the other person's place, and then choosing the right words to connect to what he wants and needs.
Nelson Mandela valued the power of understanding others, including his enemies. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa, in The Art of the Woo, tell how Mandela wanted to persuade his jailers to improve treatment for all of the inmates in Robbins Island prison, where they were held captive.
A major part of his strategy was to get inside the minds of his captors. To that end, he taught himself to speak and comprehend Afrikaans, and learned the history, culture and values of the Afrikaaners. In order to best communicate what he wanted, he needed to truly know where his adversaries were coming from. Or as Mandela put it: "You must understand the mind of the opposing commander...you can't understand him unless you understand his literature and his language." This empathetic comprehension of those who were guarding him and his fellow inmates led to better conditions in an otherwise oppressive jail.
In dealing with clients, you probably won't have to learn a foreign language, but you do need to understand what words, phrases and vocabulary will resonate. When I worked for Roger Ailes at CNBC, he told me that if the person on the receiving end of your communication doesn't get what you're talking about, it's your responsibility to figure out how to say it so she does.
Many years ago, I took acting lessons just for the fun of it. I learned a very valuable lesson from the teacher. When you play a part you must view the world from the perspective of your character. Your interpretation of the role depends upon it. It's no different in business. Adapting your message means knowing your audience, not just the facts about them, but their feelings and attitudes as well.
Barbara Walters tells this story about Roone Arledge, who was my boss when I was a correspondent at ABC News. If she invited him to a dinner party, he would ask for the bio of everyone who was going to be there. Maybe Arledge was socially anxious and looking for some way to make small talk, but I don't believe that was the case. I think he wanted to have a little background information of where they were coming from to communicate with them better and make it a more fruitful evening.
This empathetic connection to others goes well beyond business. Michael Eisner, the former chairman of Disney, thinks people have it all wrong when they insist that the ability to say "I'm sorry" is the most important communication skill in a marriage. He states that understanding your spouse's point of view is really the gold in a valued connection, and I concur.
Simply put, the power of empathy is putting yourself in the other person's place, and then choosing the right words to connect to what he wants and needs.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Be a Powerful Speaker
Giving a speech is an opportunity for you to get an audience to see their world differently. It's your chance to influence the way they think and get them to take action. These points are designed to help you be a more powerful and confident speaker.
1. Take a stand.
Make a provocative statement or ask challenging questions. Get their attention by presenting a strong point of view, thoughtful analysis, perspective and judgment. If it's the same old, same old they've heard before you'll lose them and never get them back. Don't waste their time by telling them how happy you are to be in Cleveland or saying something nice about the person who introduced you. Nobody cares.
2. Make it clear why this is in their interest to listen.
You must understand what they care about. What are their needs, fears, dreams and desires? How do you want your audience to think, feel or react? What action would you like them to take as a result of what you are telling them?
3. Be interesting.
A friend of ours is a minister and she came to me for advice on how she could improve her sermons. She thought about peppering her homilies with jokes. I reminded her that she's not a comedian and her flock does not come to church to be entertained. They are looking for meaning. Jokes are great if you're really funny. More than likely, you're not. Stick to what you know and what's important to them.
4. Tell meaningful stories and evoke real feelings.
Stories connect to our imagination. The audience can envision what you are talking about. The image the story lasts far longer than the words that they heard. Even better is emotionally moving your audience, getting them to feel in their hearts what your message is about. Do you remember how you felt the night Barack Obama was elected president? I don't recall a word he said to the crowd in Chicago, but I'll never forget the feeling I had.
5. Keep it short.
The Gettysburg Address is only 256 words. I'm not saying that your speech should be that brief but much longer than 20 minutes and you might start losing your crowd.
6. Don't read your speech word for word.
And don't try to memorize it either. Instead, be conversational with your audience. If you need three-by-five cards to remind you of the salient points, fine, but talk to them and don't lecture. Don't wing it. Practice it. A lot. Good preparation will go a long way in reducing your anxiety.
7. To PowerPoint or not to PowerPoint.
If your presentation is informational, PowerPoint might be helpful. But if your speech is visionary, if you're trying to walk your audience through your idea of the future, then don't use PowerPoint. It will just be a distraction. If you are using PowerPoint, keep it tight.
1. Take a stand.
Make a provocative statement or ask challenging questions. Get their attention by presenting a strong point of view, thoughtful analysis, perspective and judgment. If it's the same old, same old they've heard before you'll lose them and never get them back. Don't waste their time by telling them how happy you are to be in Cleveland or saying something nice about the person who introduced you. Nobody cares.
2. Make it clear why this is in their interest to listen.
You must understand what they care about. What are their needs, fears, dreams and desires? How do you want your audience to think, feel or react? What action would you like them to take as a result of what you are telling them?
3. Be interesting.
A friend of ours is a minister and she came to me for advice on how she could improve her sermons. She thought about peppering her homilies with jokes. I reminded her that she's not a comedian and her flock does not come to church to be entertained. They are looking for meaning. Jokes are great if you're really funny. More than likely, you're not. Stick to what you know and what's important to them.
4. Tell meaningful stories and evoke real feelings.
Stories connect to our imagination. The audience can envision what you are talking about. The image the story lasts far longer than the words that they heard. Even better is emotionally moving your audience, getting them to feel in their hearts what your message is about. Do you remember how you felt the night Barack Obama was elected president? I don't recall a word he said to the crowd in Chicago, but I'll never forget the feeling I had.
5. Keep it short.
The Gettysburg Address is only 256 words. I'm not saying that your speech should be that brief but much longer than 20 minutes and you might start losing your crowd.
6. Don't read your speech word for word.
And don't try to memorize it either. Instead, be conversational with your audience. If you need three-by-five cards to remind you of the salient points, fine, but talk to them and don't lecture. Don't wing it. Practice it. A lot. Good preparation will go a long way in reducing your anxiety.
7. To PowerPoint or not to PowerPoint.
If your presentation is informational, PowerPoint might be helpful. But if your speech is visionary, if you're trying to walk your audience through your idea of the future, then don't use PowerPoint. It will just be a distraction. If you are using PowerPoint, keep it tight.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Entreprenerus: how to be a powerful persuader.
Here are my thoughts on how entrepreneurs can be powerful persuaders and effective communicators.
Understanding your target audience or customer. Who are they? How do you effectively communicate in a way that they can understand?
Persuading and influencing. Appealing to peoples’ practical and emotional needs. How to understand explicit and implicit wants. J.P. Morgan once said that people have two reasons for everything they do: the good reasons and the real reasons.
The importance of an empathetic approach to communications. People need to feel understood. Address their values, needs, wants, desires and fears.
Listen to what’s being said and not said. People will tell you what they want but sometimes it’s important to listen between the lines. Be intuitive. What are this person’s real needs—not just the presenting ones?
Ask good questions. People often reveal more than they realize.
Tell great stories. Stories build an emotional connection between you and your listener. Facts are important, but stories capture the imagination.
Be aspirational. Connect with the listener’s desire for a better life.
Create a feeling. People often don’t remember what you said, but they always remember how you made them feel.
Differentiate. Demonstrate how your product or service is different from anything else in the market place.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ten Ways to be a Great Communicator
By Bob Berkowitz
Principal
The Dilenschneider Group
bberkowitz@dgi-nyc.com
(212) 922.0900
Know your audience and why you are talking to them. People need to feel understood. Address their values, needs, wants, desires and fears. When people feel you get where they are coming from, you get the business.
What are their explicit and implicit needs? JP Morgan said that people have two reasons for everything they do: the good reasons and the real reasons. For example, someone might say they are going to buy a Mercedes because they are well made and safe. Those are the good or explicit reasons. The real reasons may be because it makes them feel good; or that it tells the world that they are important, powerful and affluent. They have arrived. Those are the real or implicit reasons. Ultimately, they are all right.
Listen between the lines. Be an intuitive listener. What are these people’s real needs—not just the presenting ones? They will tell you everything you need to know, if you stop talking and listen.
Tell great stories. Stories build an emotional connection between you and your listener. Facts are important, but stories capture the imagination.
People often don’t remember what you said. They always remember how you made them feel. Those who make others feel good about themselves win people’s confidence and business.
Ask good questions. People often reveal more than they realize. With the information you glean from the answers, you’ll have a much better idea how to effectively communicate.
Differentiate. How does your product, idea or service differ from everything else out there?
It’s not what you say, but how you say it. You can have the greatest message in the world, but if the listener does not understand you, it’s a waste of time. It’s your responsibility to make sure the listener gets it. You have to either explicitly or implicitly answer the listeners’ question: what’s in it for me? Make compelling arguments for your position.
Be aspirational. Connect with the listener’s desire for a better life.
Be brief. Brevity is not only the soul of wit but of good communications.
By Bob Berkowitz
Principal
The Dilenschneider Group
bberkowitz@dgi-nyc.com
(212) 922.0900
Know your audience and why you are talking to them. People need to feel understood. Address their values, needs, wants, desires and fears. When people feel you get where they are coming from, you get the business.
What are their explicit and implicit needs? JP Morgan said that people have two reasons for everything they do: the good reasons and the real reasons. For example, someone might say they are going to buy a Mercedes because they are well made and safe. Those are the good or explicit reasons. The real reasons may be because it makes them feel good; or that it tells the world that they are important, powerful and affluent. They have arrived. Those are the real or implicit reasons. Ultimately, they are all right.
Listen between the lines. Be an intuitive listener. What are these people’s real needs—not just the presenting ones? They will tell you everything you need to know, if you stop talking and listen.
Tell great stories. Stories build an emotional connection between you and your listener. Facts are important, but stories capture the imagination.
People often don’t remember what you said. They always remember how you made them feel. Those who make others feel good about themselves win people’s confidence and business.
Ask good questions. People often reveal more than they realize. With the information you glean from the answers, you’ll have a much better idea how to effectively communicate.
Differentiate. How does your product, idea or service differ from everything else out there?
It’s not what you say, but how you say it. You can have the greatest message in the world, but if the listener does not understand you, it’s a waste of time. It’s your responsibility to make sure the listener gets it. You have to either explicitly or implicitly answer the listeners’ question: what’s in it for me? Make compelling arguments for your position.
Be aspirational. Connect with the listener’s desire for a better life.
Be brief. Brevity is not only the soul of wit but of good communications.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Can you make someone great who really isn't?
The short answer is no. That said, I've had a few clients who have asked me to make someone into something they are not.
I'm reminded of the movie "All That Jazz." It was a bio-pic of the late choreographer, Bob Fosse. In one scene, Fosse (played by Roy Scheider) was particularly harsh in his criticism of one of the dancers in a show that he was choreographing. Finally, she burst into tears. Fosse turned to her and said "look, I don't think I can make you into a great dancer. I'm not even sure that I can turn you into a good dancer. But if you listen to me, I can make you a better dancer."
As a media and message trainer, I feel confident that I can help virtually anyone be a better communicator. But great? Maybe, but you better very good to begin with.
We can all be better at communicating. I've never met anyone who couldn't improve. It's hard for me to imagine being successful in business (or in life) without good communications skills.
I'm reminded of the movie "All That Jazz." It was a bio-pic of the late choreographer, Bob Fosse. In one scene, Fosse (played by Roy Scheider) was particularly harsh in his criticism of one of the dancers in a show that he was choreographing. Finally, she burst into tears. Fosse turned to her and said "look, I don't think I can make you into a great dancer. I'm not even sure that I can turn you into a good dancer. But if you listen to me, I can make you a better dancer."
As a media and message trainer, I feel confident that I can help virtually anyone be a better communicator. But great? Maybe, but you better very good to begin with.
We can all be better at communicating. I've never met anyone who couldn't improve. It's hard for me to imagine being successful in business (or in life) without good communications skills.
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