What I learned from my father about empathy

I sit here writing this on the day before Father's Day.

My dad is going to be 91 this fall and I'm grateful for every day that I have with him.

The older I get, the smarter and wiser my father seems to me--and I've always thought he was damn smart to begin with.

My father is a psychoanalyst and he's still seeing patients. He tells me that he's going to keep on working until he needs more help than they do. I'm sure the people that come to see him hope that doesn't happen for some time.

He told me something once about his practice that has really stayed with me. He said that he can identify with all of the emotions, issues and problems that his clients have brought to his office--except one. He can't understand why anyone could be bored. Dad is a voracious reader and learner so having nothing to do is something he just can't relate to.

His ability to connect with his patients is one of the things that make him a terrific therapist. That power of empathy is something we all need to develop, no matter what line of work we are in.

In my own career, as a communications consultant, I'm always telling my clients that whatever message they are sending, they need to keep the recipient in mind. If you understand how your customers, clients and employees think and feel, you will dramatically increase your chances of being successful

This applies to other parts of one's life. Michael Eisner, the former chairman of Disney said that people have it wrong when they say that your ability to say your sorry is they key to a successful relationship. Rather, he says, your understanding of where your spouse or partner is coming from is really the gold in a valued personal connection.

So Dad, thanks for your wisdom, your kindness, your love and most importantly for being there for me.

Blaming the messenger

Let me say up front, I am no fan of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck or Fox News. But to blame them for the assassination of the abortion doctor or the act of terrorism at the Holocaust Museum in Washington is misguided. That is in fact what Joan Walsh of Salon and Paul Krugman of the New York Times have done.

First of all there is zero evidence that these two heinous acts were committed because of what they may have heard on the air. The 88 year old white supremacist James von Brunn's sick views were formed long before Limbaugh, Beck, et al were born. Like wise the Klan and the Nazis certainly pre-date hate talk radio and TV.

Conversely, should the media be given credit because we are a far more tolerant society when it comes to race, gender and sexual preference? Probably not.

My belief is that media is more a reflection of what's going on in society rather than an instigator.

Who is your audience?

I'm doing some consulting for a group of political candidates in a foreign country. This started me thinking about who the audience is for these politicians. My first thought was, "all voters, of course." But is it? We had to drill down our polling information to find out who we need to convince to vote for our party. We targeted our message to the 12% undecided voters and the ten percent of the electorate who were backing our opponent but were soft supporters.

All of this reminded me of when I was hosting a show on the now defunct Financial News Network (It was bought be CNBC).

I was working out at my local health club when I was approached by a man who was a viewer of my show. He said he was in advertising and was thinking about doing a spot buy for his client, an upscale steak restaurant on the two Manhattan cable outlets that carried FNN. The restaurant is located in midtown Manhattan. He was also considering a buy for the same client on the local six o'clock news on the New York CBS station. The Channel Two buy would have cost several times more than the more limited FNN purchase. I told him that most of the WCBS news viewership lived outside of Manhattan and only a handful of them could afford a meal at this restaurant. Why would you spend more to target people who are not likely to be your customers? The FNN audience lived in Manhattan and they had money.

We not only have to think about who we are talking to but how do we communicate with them. We need to consider what language to use, and what is the best media. More on that in a future posting.

Is Old Media Dead? Hardly.

I read two postings online that fly in the face of conventional wisdom.

The first gives lie to the notion that everyone is glued to their iPhone or computer in order to watch videos. Television is dead. Or is it?

Susan Whiting, Vice Chair and Executive Vice President of the Nielsen Company says that Americans are devoting 153 hours a month to watching television--or better than 5 hours a day. To be sure we are increasingly turning to alternative media for our viewing. --130 million Americans watch video online, up 13% year-over-year. Meanwhile, 13 million of us see videos on our cell phones.

The point Whiting makes is important: true, people are increasingly watching videos on their computers and on hand held devices but not at the expense of old media TV.

The lesson here is that there is an insatiable appetite for media, no matter where we watch it. If any medium suffers as a result of this trend, it is print. There are just so many hours in the day.

And then there is the story of Time-Warner dumping AOL. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Finally: Twitter. A new survey has it that 60% of new Twitter users stop tweeting after just a month.

Perhaps we should be cautious about judging which media are dead and which are alive and what the future is.

Listening Between the Lines

If you're trying to sell something--an idea, a product or a service--you need to gauge the explicit and implicit needs of the person you are pitching.

For example, we all have the experience of buying clothes. That is a product that is a necessity in our society. Clothes protect us from the elements and preserve our modesty. That's the explicit need. But clothes can also make a statement about us. They may suggest power, sexiness, informality, tradition, grunge vs. preppy, etc. Those are implicit values.

Recently, I worked with a client who is trying to sell high end financial instruments to prospects. In a role playing situation between my client and someone portraing the customer, it became obvioius that, yes the prospect was indeed looking for a sound company to manage her families fortune(explict). But after asking several well thought out questions, it became equally clear that the prospect was also looking for some one who would come up with solutions that would unite a sharply divided family. Under additional questioning, the prospective customer allowed that she felt insecure about handling money and needed to work with some one who could give her extra attention and explain the various complexities of the financial world (implicit).

The key was asking her the right questions, paying attention to the answers and making her feel that she was heard and understood. It means listening between the lines.

When a prospect senses that feeling of empathy, trust can begin and a relationship and ensue.

The Importance of telling stories

The Power of Stories

Stories build an emotional connection between you and your listener. Facts are important, but stories are necessary because they capture the imagination of the listener. The story helps create a word picture in the mind of the receiver. Facts can be forgotten, stories stay with us.

Mike George is the CEO of QVC. Every Monday, he writes to his employees something to inspire them. He often tells stories from his personal life. He wrote about his 11 year old son’s miscommunication with a hair stylist. The woman shaved his head instead of giving him a trim has he requested. The kid was traumatized and wore a baseball cap until his hair grew back.

He uses this anecdote to illustrate the importance of communicating clearly with QVC customers.

George believes that these kinds of stories “create a high level of engagement and connection between the one giving the illustration and those who are hearing it.